How to be a Villain in High School (308 words):

1. Stand in the middle of the hallway. Posting your tweet is far more important than some stranger’s tardy lunch detention. You can even stop in the middle of the stairs if necessary, but don’t deprive your waiting followers be of your amazing sense of humor! And God forbid that these teacher-fearing hordes delay your texting. Not when your friend is reviewing that new movie you’ve been wanting to watch. Plant those feet.

2. Keep asking irrelevant questions during a test review. If someone really wanted to ace a test, they’d study beforehand and wouldn’t need a review. For once, everyone is actually silent and trying to focus. This is your opportunity! Ask the teacher everything you’ve ever wanted to know about them- you never know which Hannah Montana song will be their favorite.

3. Become Fans of Nickelback/Kim Kardashian. Okay, yeah, everyone else hates them. So what? They may not be ethically inclined or intellectually alive, but who says you are? And they’re rich, so they must be great role models.

4. Bring a big bag of snacks to class and refuse to share. They don’t deserve the snack that you (your parents) bought with your own (your parents) money! Even if it is family sized…buy your own skittles, moochers.

5. Copy other people’s work but never share your own. Hey, it’s not your fault that some naive kid pityingly showed you  his work. I mean, he’s the one who committed a crime by even helping you. And now he wants you to do the same? Do NOT allow this flagrant lawlessness. Hold your ground and refuse to help these double cheaters.

6. Refuse a newspaper. What? A random publication offered by a stranger? No, thank you. That’s how viruses spread. Besides, you don’t need to know what’s happening in the rest of the world. You live in YOUR universe. Duh.

How to be a Superhero in High School (306):

1. Hold the door. Whenever possible, hold the door open for the person behind you. Or maybe even let them go first. It’ll make your day and their’s a little bit better. Plus, everyone appreciates good manners.

2. Be nice to substitute teachers. They’ve probably had enough back-talk and walkouts all day. You could be the highlight of their otherwise ugh-conceited-teenagers-think-the world-revolves-around-them day.

3. Help those who need help. Specifically, with homework. If they’re bad at math and you’re good at it, just guide them a little. And they aren’t going to steal your ranking, so stop being so paranoid.

4. Don’t swear. If you can find no better words to express yourself, then you’re just not smart enough to handle being a superhero. Expand your vocabulary. Find purposeful villain-fighting outlets for your frustration (for example, gently toss that dude on his phone to the side of the hall).

5. Keep some food with you. At all times, be prepared to provide snacks to those in need. Sometimes, a little chocolate can even cure post-breakup heartache. At least for a class period.

6. Don’t talk while the teacher is talking. Next time you start asking a valid question, imagine how you would feel if the teacher just turned around and kept talking. Yeah. That insulted “but I was asking a legit question” feeling is how the teacher feels when you interrupt his/her responsibility.

7.Push your chair in. You may have balance like catwoman, but not everyone does. For those of us less gracefully inclined, please keep the obstacles to a minimum and floor space at a maximum.

8. Bring people Starbucks. Everyone loves Starbucks, especially in the morning when they’re feeling like zombies.I recommend the caramel macchiato, but you can find out specific preferences to garner some extra favor.