Senior insists COVID-19 “just the flu” while in critical condition (Satire)

by Andrew Cox, Advertising & PR Manager

As paramedics brought senior Justin Milton into an ambulance to receive treatment for a life-threatening case of COVID-19 that had given him shortness of breath and a high fever, Milton objected to the fuss made over the illness.

“It’s basically just the flu, bro,” Milton said. “I don’t understand why people are losing their mind over this. I’m not even a doctor or whatever, but it’s just a cough. Did they really have to close Abercrombie and Fitch just for this? I needed some new khakis, and now we’re just supposed to drop everything?”

Virologist Jessica Taylor, however, cautioned against being dismissive of the disease — which has already killed over 42,000 people according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC).

“We’re not worried as much for young, healthy people as we are with the elderly or those with pre-existing conditions that make them at higher risk, such as asthma,” Taylor said. “But even then, no matter how healthy you are, nobody’s invincible. It’s everybody’s responsibility to limit the spread of this disease so that fewer people become infected.”

Milton, even when put on a ventilator, remained defiant, citing a Facebook post his aunt made endorsing essential oils and vaporub as a cure.

“I don’t care what they say,” Milton said. “Just because they went to medical school doesn’t mean they’re smarter than me. I’m onto them — if they want to give me some phony treatment while I’m in the hospital, then they’ve got something else coming.”

Taylor remained insistent that the hospitalization was necessary and that any early release posed a risk to public health.

“This is a very real threat with very real consequences,” Taylor said. “Even without symptoms, the virus can spread — it is only going to get worse if we don’t take it seriously.”